Thursday, March 31, 2005

A Living Will for Barney

In light of the ongoing Terri Schiavo melodrama, I’ve decided to be responsible and make out a “living will” in order to avoid any unpleasantness in the event that I may turn into a 165 lb. turnip. It is my desire that you, my readers, friends, acquaintances, and most especially, my enemies and rivals, should participate in bearing witness to my final wishes.

Also, I would like to thank Susan Paxton at An Age Like This (another Orwell reference) for providing this living will. I have made a few modifications for my particular circumstances.

If you would like to be a witness, please avail yourselves of the comment section.

A Living Will

I, Barney Francis Patrick McClelland_ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cigarette, cup of coffee or a pint of Guinness (or, all three), it should reasonably be presumed that I am not going to get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my children, siblings, parents and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. I would, however, encourage them to stop by the pub on the way home and have a pint in my honor.

Under no circumstances shall the members of Congress enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damned business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and welfare of the millions of Americans who are not comatose.

Under no circumstances shall any political entity butt into this case. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of Neanderthal rightwing politicians who could not pass ninth-grade biology if they had the answer sheet in their hands.

I do not care how many fundamentalist wing nut votes these smarmy charlatans are trying to scrounge up for their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me the hell alone to die in peace.

I do not give a tinker’s dam if a million semi-literate home-schooled religious zealots send grammatically incorrect and misspelled e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I do not know these people, and I certainly have not authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. What I can say with all certainty is that I do not like them while I am conscious, and it is therefore reasonable to assume that my disposition towards them will not improve while I am in a vegetative state. They, too, should mind their own damned business.

If any member of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and haunt them until the end of their days.

___Barney Francis Patrick McClelland___
Signature


Witnessed below on this _31st_ day of _March , 2005

37 Comments:

At 9:35 AM, Anonymous Katie said...

Dearest Pater,
Of course no one on the McClelland side of the family would have any objections to such a will. I'm sure none of your overly sensitive, compassionate siblings will have any difficulty with the removal of the plug. Well Belinda might not be able to reach it, but then she would just call Bobby over to finish the job. And isn't it comforting to know that your own mother would probably lean over your body and say "He looks like hell. At least get him a beer before you get on with this." Motherly love. You will also be delighted to know that your caring, loving, and most pleasant of children would be happy to pull the plug, walk out the door, and proceed to "redecorate" your apartment as we would know you would want it (i.e. - take all your stuff and leave nothing but the radio blaring Mike and Merv for the neighbors to enjoy in your honor.) Of course we will be sure to place Tiger in the most suitable of situations as to minimize the disruption to his daily habits.
As always we will all take you up on that pint offer (at your expense of course) and then go on with our daily lives occasionally stopping to say, “Hmm, Barney might like this Guinness……But he’s dead, haha!”

Love your sweet, beautiful, and considerate daughter,
Kaitlyn Margaret McClelland

 
At 4:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No one or thing can come back from death.

 
At 11:38 AM, Anonymous jenn said...

Our Dearest Barney,

Consider your wishes fulfilled...when the time comes. Not prematurely. With one condition...your sweet, beautiful and considerate daughter and I may dance a jig while holding those pints in your honor.

For the record, I ask the same consideration in return.

Your Friend in Health and in Death,

jiggy jenn.

 
At 12:23 PM, Blogger Jerry Wilson said...

Just thought you would like to know that I loved your living will. So I quoted it in my latest newspaper column, which is also poublished on my blog site. I, of course, gave you credit and a link.

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At 11:24 AM, Anonymous Nancy B. said...

Hear, hear, Barney! I, too, witness your glorious living will. Perhaps you can do the same for me some day!

 
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