Friday, April 01, 2005

Satanic Terrapins...Oh My!

It appears that the semi-aquatic turtle species Trachemys scripta elegans, better known as the “Red-eared Slider” and often called the “dimestore turtle”, is now in league with the Prince of Darkness. According to pet shop owner, Bryan Dora, the image of Satan has appeared on the carapace of Lucky, the sole survivor of a fire which destroyed his Frankfort, Indiana pet store, Dora's A-Dora-ble Pet Shop. "The marking on the shell was like the devil wanted us to know he was down there," Dora said. "To me, it's too coincidental that the only thing to come out unscathed would have this image on it."

Dora is currently trying to sell Belial's Lucky online Posted by Hello

Meanwhile, several fundamentalist theologians have speculated as to why Beelzebub would choose such a humble species on which to reveal himself.

“I’m sure he [Satan] was pretty hacked off about the Blessed Virgin appearing on a grilled cheese sandwich several months ago,” said Rev. Bobby Ray Hinton, “and it brought a pretty penny on E-bay, which couldn’t make him too happy.”

Rev. Billy Earl McGuffy believes it is the devil’s way of foisting the dreaded theory of evolution on America’s innocent children. “Them evil-utionists is always saying that turtles have been on earth for 225 million years, but Holy Scripture clearly states that the Almighty created the world less than 6,000 years ago!,” McGuffey bellowed, “This is just one of the Devil’s tricks to confuse our children and spread the unholy gospel of Darwin!”

Other Biblical literalists are reserving comment until they can consult the book of “Revelations” to see if there is any mention of turtles.

Satan's emissary on Earth? Posted by Hello

In related news, Butterflies and Wheels editor, Ophelia Benson claims to have seen the nappy rash of the Baby Jesus while spreading marmalade on her toast.